This morning, I am heading out to the ear doctor to get the wax cleaned out of my ears, for I am one of those unfortunate souls that suffers from massive buildup, and a resultant lack of hearing, if I don’t do due diligence. The buildup in the ears had not been as quick since I relocated to Germany, and the once a year visit is actually working out for me, as opposed to the US, where I had to think of a way to temporarily stop my work life every couple of months and get this taken care of with minimal consequences.
That’s not an excuse here, apparently.
The last time I had my ears cleaned, I was lectured, nay, yelled at, by the doctor treating me for not coming in for three months at a time to get this taken care of, as he had “instructed” me to, on a previous visit.
So, let me get this straight. I have to stop my life, leave things undone, take my eyes off the prize for a moment, so as to relieve myself of something that isn’t even bothering me yet.
To reference current vernacular, yeah, but no.
I have had to stop my life so many times since I got here. To get work and residency permits. To get drivers licenses. To enroll and participate in language classes. To go on trips and dinners with in laws where I quietly sit back, because I am unable to participate in the conversation. To have to explain to people why I have been in this country three years and I am still struggling with the language.
Because all this gets in the way of me supporting myself. All this gets in the way of me earning a living, making some money, pursuing some passions…
In other words, it all controls my freedom.
What is really going on here is that, for the last several years, I have allowed too many people in my life, persons to whom I had become close, and not so, to take control of my time, my presence and my facility, all in the effort by myself to “fit in”. The result being that I am now at a point where I can no longer afford to be so complacent with my time and sanity. I need to take care of myself. I need to take my personal space back. I am sure it will be a struggle, for my self and others in my life, both at work and at home, but it needs to be done. I cannot live like this anymore. I have to start speaking up if I feel violated in some way.
Which means, if the doctor rags on me for not coming in on a regular basis, I can respond with “if I could afford to stop my life to appease you, I am sure that would make you happy. I can’t and I won’t.”